Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Am I afraid of dying or from pain?

Almost two weeks ago, a colleague of mine from Philhealth has passed away due to renal failure. Although we already knew of his inevitable fate as early as last year, we were still not prepared to let him go. How could we when that person was someone whom we used to saw everyday, someone whom we oftentimes ate lunch or dinner with, or someone whom we've practically considered as a 'family'...

For how many months, he lived knowing that he's only got 3 months to live, at most...all the doctors said. And yet, he lived beyond that simply because he couldn't allow it to happen. He was too young, he's got two children of only 8 and 2 years of age...he's got so much to do that he hasn't managed to accomplish. There were so many 'loose' ends in his life that he felt it wasn't just that easy to give up....and we all supported him.

But during his remaining days, he finally had the courage to end it all...he was just waiting for that 'terrible and extreme' pain to come so that he'll know when to give up. He refused to have blood transfusion and dialysis anymore. Just imagine how much pain he was bearing, he couldn't even get up and he was really bloated.

During his funeral service, I realized that I'm so afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying young, that is. I don't know if it would be easy to let go of dreams, of people that I love, and of the feeling of being alive. I don't know if I could bear to look at the faces of the my family and significant others watching me die. If only we know what it really feels like to die so that we could somehow be prepared but it's not the way it is. Death is one of the mysteries in this world that we could not find answers to. So, we'll just have to wait for our time to come and be reconciled with death itself.


  1. Hi Rain! suportahan nyo auction

    Kami sa PARD at FFAID ang na assign.

    tawag ako dyan this PM. hanapin ko kayo ni Ruben. Baka may pedia patient din dyan na artist na pwede natin i Post ang painting sa website para ma auction din.

  2. really? i'll try to look for one...iba ang duty ko now eh, sa rehab ako next wk...

  3. Kahit doodles or sketch lang. Opportunity natin ito para mapa smile sila. boost din sa confidence ng isang batang nagchechemo